Hey Everyone! Long time no see, speak or post. As many of you know, my husband passed away in September 2017 from cancer. Therefore, I took time away from my blog to deal with life and loss.
Related: My Husband Passed Away
September 2017
Much of September, I don’t remember. I was in disbelief and barely making it through the days. On the day of the funeral, God placed it on my heart to speak. My words flowed out beautifully (so I’m told) although I don’t recall much of what I said. I do recall saying my husband lived life to the fullest and he taught me how to live. He always said why put off what we can do today for tomorrow. I said a few more things before saying thank you to all. Our firefighter family gave him a sendoff like no other. There was no dry eye in the building among men and women. The service was the talk of the town for weeks, in a good way.
October 2017
I returned to work around the middle of the month and it brought on another aspect of grief that I didn’t know existed. There were no calls or texts from my husband to make sure I arrived to/from work safely or to see if my day was going well. I felt so unaccounted for.
We always talked on my drive home. I cried every afternoon because he was no longer a phone call away. He worked 5 minutes away from my job. We occasionally carpooled. And, I could walk to his fire station if I really wanted to. I can hear the sirens in my building when they get a call. The first time I heard those sirens was pure heartbreaking.
It took some coworkers by surprise that I’m not the same Jay that I used to be – happy, talkative, outgoing. I’m now reserved, quiet and withdrawn. Many days I sit at my desk trying not to cry. Somehow, the new Jay came across unapproachable as told to me by a coworker. No one understands what I’ve been through emotionally, physically and mentally. I’m not who I used to be and never will.
November 2017
Everyone was planning for the holidays and I was barely getting through the days. I didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving locally so mom, sister and I took a road trip to Atlanta, GA to be with close family friends. Thanksgiving was the first big holiday without him and I thought I was gonna lose my mind from what felt like unbearable pain.
Out of respect for those in the photo, I covered their faces but check out mom’s afro (she’s beside me).
December 2017
Again, coworkers were excited and planning for Christmas yet I was still trying to get through the days. I chose to spend Christmas in Houston, TX. Thanksgiving helped prepare me for Christmas so I held up pretty good. That is, until family reminded me I had a milestone birthday coming up and asked what my plans were. I immediately broke down and cried. My husband made my birthday month special and the thought of it all saddened me.
January 2018
My birthday month arrived and I cried daily. I thought I made it clear, I DID NOT WANT TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY. However, no one listened and family and friends went above and beyond to make my birthday special. Coworkers threw me a Mardi Gras themed birthday party without knowing how much it meant to me.
The last birthday that my husband and I celebrated was January 2016 in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. We learned he had cancer months later so all birthdays thereafter was spent in the ER or as an inpatient in the hospital.
Related: Birthday in New Orleans
February 2018
My husband took really good care of me and handled most everything. Now that I’m having to do all things, that leaves little time for blogging, filming and social media. I thought long and hard about not returning to blogging. But, I know my husband wouldn’t want me to walk away from something that we’ve worked so hard on. He had a very active role behind the scenes and helped come up with the name A Day By Jay. He took 99% of my photos. Helped shop for hair products, wigs and generate blog ideas. I’m missing my creative partner in crime. However, I’m trying to get back to blogging to make him proud. Thank you all for hanging in there with me as I figure this out.
Related: From Relaxed Thairapy to A Day By Jay
My Hair
I haven’t had much time for my hair. I wash whenever gel buildup becomes too visible to ignore. Terrible, right? I wash about once a month. My hair grew from August to November. I have no clue if I’ve gained or lost length since then. I’ll give you a 2018 update soon. Hopefully, I can do it this month.
Related: 1 Year Naptural Anniversary + Product Favorites
My Health
Remember some time ago when I told you I had fibroids? The largest one grew from the size of an orange in 2015 to the size of a baby’s head in 2017. Basically, it consumes my entire uterus and has caused my anatomy to shift. My uterus presses against my right pelvis and bladder. My stomach is bloated and my neck, back and right hip pain me often. The solution? Hysterectomy later this year but first…
Related: Dealing with Fibroids
I have to take injections to suppress my hormones which will put me in temporary menopause. Hormones promote fibroid growth. Therefore, suppressing them, will indirectly reduce the size of the fibroids (or that’s our hope anyway) to a point where it’s deemed safe to surgically remove.
The Gynecologist could perform surgery now if symptoms worsen and it becomes an emergency. However, performing surgery now, has increased risks given the size and location of the fibroids. I’ve never had kids, thus the hysterectomy will be performed the old school way via lateral incision. Hemorrhaging is a huge concern if surgery is performed now. Therefore, attempting to the shrink them, and performing surgery later lessens associated risks.
Aside from that, I have some aches and pains that worsened during my time as a caregiver. They are some old injuries that flared up that require physical therapy. I’ll get to it one day. All I know is I wish my husband was here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok. *sigh*
Thank You
As you can imagine, I’ve been going through it. This post, although extremely long, doesn’t scratch the surface of what life is really like. I’m currently in grief counseling and trying to put the pieces together. I’m told I have PTSD from everything he/we/I experienced. This process is brutal and I’m trying to get through it.
Much Love,
Jay
I’m so sorry for your loss. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you will be able to lean on the support of those who love you. And I hope that you’ll be able to look back at your time together and smile because of all the good memories you shared together, and the pain would have faded. Be patient and kind to yourself during your process of grieving and healing. Peace
TY so much, sis.
I’m glad to see you stirring about. If you are on depo lupron, that will interfere with our hormones and deepen any depression you might have…don’t ask me how I know. I was on it when my grandmother died and I was a hot mess. Anywho, I thought I would just stop by and say hi.
Hi Tiki, it’s the injections that they want to put me on. I haven’t started them yet. I did read in the literature that it can cause depression or in my case, it could further depression. I inquired to the Dr. about it and there appears to be limited options which sucks. I either have surgery now and risk a lot of bleeding or try the medicine. It all sucks tbh. I hope you (and family) are doing well.
You are much loved Jay. It is good to hear your voice through my computer screen again. I know all of your readers have missed you. 🙂 You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hey Candra Girl. Thanks, sis. I’m trying. Lord knows I’m trying but man, it’s rough out here.
Oh Jay, I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved husband. I noticed you hadn’t been on social media for a while, and I was wondering how you both were doing. I pray God’s blessings over your life and that He provides you the strength and encouragement to weather this storm. Sending you much love and hugs from MD. God bless you Sis!
-Andrea
TY so much Lav. (((hugs)))
Sending you love back to you as well.
Hi Jay,
Since reading your last post about your husband’s passisng, I’ve often wondered how you were holding up, especially during holiday celebrations. I’ve said many prayers for you hoping that you will continue to feel your husband’s love in your life, despite him not being physically present. I am glad that you have people in your life to support you during this difficut period, for not only the companionship and distraction at times, but also that they celebrate you. Even though I’ve only read your blogs, I can tell that you have a wonderful spirit and your kindness, generosity and compassion were displayed in your reflections of your care for your husband. I continue to pray for you, your peace of mind, health and that your joy returns as God shows you his abundant love for you. Take care of you.
TY so, so much for the beautiful words. I’m def trying to take of me.
Hey Jay, I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I can’t image the degree of your pain, but I pray that you heal and find solace through this tough time. xoxo
TY so much friend.
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Words fail me, but I know the Good Lord has you. I pray your surgery goes well and those fibroids are a thing of the past.
TY Yvonne!!
Jay, it’s so good to hear from you. I think about you often. And while it sounds like you are working through a lot, you have a lot of people around you who love and care about you. The Mardi Gras party they threw for you given you and your husband’s history with it was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful. As you continue to take things day by day, I hope that you continue to grow and find the strength to persevere.
TY Kim. (((hugs)))
We love and miss you Jay and you have all or love and support.
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that you continue to feel hope and to take one day at a time. I’m glad that your friends and family are really trying to be there for you although they may not understand the deep pain. Feel encouraged and know that you are not alone.