My husband passed away and he took all of me with him.
A Day I Will Never Forget
As many of you know, my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer last year. We flew from Florida to Texas every two weeks for over a year seeking treatment at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. We fought long, we fought well and we fought hard. We kept the faith and just knew God was going to heal him on this side of heaven. God decisioned differently than what we hoped for. My husband answered God’s call at 7:15 p.m. on 10 September 17 surrounded by family and friends.
The Days After My Husband Passed
I thought the day my husband passed was hard but the days after are much harder. Waking up and not being able to talk to, hold and see my best friend, my ace, my everything have me heartbroken on so many levels. I want to call and text him a million times like I normally would. I have to keep reminding myself he is finally getting some quality rest and is unavailable.
We honored his life in a way like no other. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to him and it showed. It was a firefighter themed ceremony and everything was pure perfection if I must say so. In fact, the community talked about it for weeks. The church was lined with firefighters. The procession included fire trucks and emergency lights for miles. People stopped and stared. Some saluted. Even the funeral director stated he’d never seen anything like it. Hats off to the Fire Department for helping make his final call special.
So, My Husband Really Passed?
I keep hoping this is just one bad dream. Unfortunately, this is reality. I simply cannot believe my husband passed and I’m a widow before age 40. I can’t describe what this feels like. A few words that come to mind are, lost, alone, confused, sad, depressed, frustrated, angry. I don’t know any women in their 30s that are widows. Therefore, you feel like you’re on an island by yourself with no one to relate to.
Many have come forth saying they know what I feel like because they’ve lost a parent. I’ve lost a parent too and losing a parent is not the same as losing a spouse. My husband is who I would run to when my day was good or bad. My husband is the one that would hold me and tell me it’s going to be ok. He’s the one that would calm all my fears and wipe all my tears. Losing a spouse is a different loss than losing a parent!
My Best Friend
I lost far more than a husband, I lost my best friend. We met in middle school and were together for 28 years total, married for 19 years. I’m so blessed to have spent 28 years with the love of my life.
Many women have a husband, but many don’t have a husband that is her best friend. I literally lost everything when he passed. We did everything together and I do mean everything – grocery shopping, girly shopping, guy shopping, motorcycle riding, etc. You name it, we did it together. He truly was my A to Z.
Heartbroken Beyond Words
My heart is so broken but I’m trying my best to make it through each day. I am literally living second by second because anything beyond that seems impossible. Seconds eventually become minutes and minutes become hours. Eventually, 24 hours has passed and I’ve made it through yet another day.
As I navigate the days ahead, please pray for my strength and my ability to accept help. My husband was all the help I needed (aside from God). Losing him, however, has forced me to accept help and it’s uncomfortable. I’ve asked everyone in my circle to help me help myself. I’m good to say “I’m fine” when asked although that’s completely untrue. Exposing my truth was the best thing I could have done because people are steadily checking on me as they know I struggle with reaching out for help.
“S” on His Chest
He had a “S” on his chest from day one. No matter how bad, sad or frustrating of a day, he never complained. He always said “I’m good” when I would ask how he was feeling or if he was ok. As you can see, he and I were a lot alike.
We were hospitalized from 30 June – 10 September. We spent the entire month of July in ICU and I was told he would pass then but God said otherwise. The ICU stay weakened him tremendously to a point where he couldn’t do for himself. Even when things worsened in his final days, he insisted he was good.
Many family, friends and nurses encouraged me to go home and get rest. Instead, I stayed with him around the clock, day in and out. As much as I was helping him, he was helping me. Although he was unable to do for himself, just being in his presence gave me strength. He will always be my strength and I’m so blessed to have shared life with him.
Talk To You Later, Never Goodbye
Throughout our 28 years, we never said “goodbye” because we considered goodbye final.
Therefore, this poem is perfect for us….
If I Should Go
If I should go tomorrow
It would never be goodbye,
For I have left my heart with you,
So don’t you ever cry.
The love that’s deep within me,
Shall reach you from the stars,
You’ll feel it from the heavens,
And it will heal the scars.