My husband passed away and he took all of me with him.
A Day I Will Never Forget
As many of you know, my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer last year. We flew from Florida to Texas every two weeks for over a year seeking treatment at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. We fought long, we fought well and we fought hard. We kept the faith and just knew God was going to heal him on this side of heaven. God decisioned differently than what we hoped for. My husband answered God’s call at 7:15 p.m. on 10 September 17 surrounded by family and friends.
Related: When the Dr. Says, I think the Stomach Cancer is Back
The Days After My Husband Passed
I thought the day my husband passed was hard but the days after are much harder. Waking up and not being able to talk to, hold and see my best friend, my ace, my everything have me heartbroken on so many levels. I want to call and text him a million times like I normally would. I have to keep reminding myself he is finally getting some quality rest and is unavailable.
Related: From Normal to Chaotic Overnight
His Services
We honored his life in a way like no other. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to him and it showed. It was a firefighter themed ceremony and everything was pure perfection if I must say so. In fact, the community talked about it for weeks. The church was lined with firefighters. The procession included fire trucks and emergency lights for miles. People stopped and stared. Some saluted. Even the funeral director stated he’d never seen anything like it. Hats off to the Fire Department for helping make his final call special.
Related: Biopsy Results Confirm Stomach Cancer
So, My Husband Really Passed?
I keep hoping this is just one bad dream. Unfortunately, this is reality. I simply cannot believe my husband passed and I’m a widow before age 40. I can’t describe what this feels like. A few words that come to mind are, lost, alone, confused, sad, depressed, frustrated, angry. I don’t know any women in their 30s that are widows. Therefore, you feel like you’re on an island by yourself with no one to relate to.
Many have come forth saying they know what I feel like because they’ve lost a parent. I’ve lost a parent too and losing a parent is not the same as losing a spouse. My husband is who I would run to when my day was good or bad. My husband is the one that would hold me and tell me it’s going to be ok. He’s the one that would calm all my fears and wipe all my tears. Losing a spouse is a different loss than losing a parent!
My Best Friend
I lost far more than a husband, I lost my best friend. We met in middle school and were together for 28 years total, married for 19 years. I’m so blessed to have spent 28 years with the love of my life.
Many women have a husband, but many don’t have a husband that is her best friend. I literally lost everything when he passed. We did everything together and I do mean everything – grocery shopping, girly shopping, guy shopping, motorcycle riding, etc. You name it, we did it together. He truly was my A to Z.
Related: Stomach Cancer Treatment
Heartbroken Beyond Words
My heart is so broken but I’m trying my best to make it through each day. I am literally living second by second because anything beyond that seems impossible. Seconds eventually become minutes and minutes become hours. Eventually, 24 hours has passed and I’ve made it through yet another day.
Thank You
As I navigate the days ahead, please pray for my strength and my ability to accept help. My husband was all the help I needed (aside from God). Losing him, however, has forced me to accept help and it’s uncomfortable. I’ve asked everyone in my circle to help me help myself. I’m good to say “I’m fine” when asked although that’s completely untrue. Exposing my truth was the best thing I could have done because people are steadily checking on me as they know I struggle with reaching out for help.
“S” on His Chest
He had a “S” on his chest from day one. No matter how bad, sad or frustrating of a day, he never complained. He always said “I’m good” when I would ask how he was feeling or if he was ok. As you can see, he and I were a lot alike.
We were hospitalized from 30 June – 10 September. We spent the entire month of July in ICU and I was told he would pass then but God said otherwise. The ICU stay weakened him tremendously to a point where he couldn’t do for himself. Even when things worsened in his final days, he insisted he was good.
Many family, friends and nurses encouraged me to go home and get rest. Instead, I stayed with him around the clock, day in and out. As much as I was helping him, he was helping me. Although he was unable to do for himself, just being in his presence gave me strength. He will always be my strength and I’m so blessed to have shared life with him.
Talk To You Later, Never Goodbye
______________
Throughout our 28 years, we never said “goodbye” because we considered goodbye final.
Therefore, this poem is perfect for us….
If I Should Go
If I should go tomorrow
It would never be goodbye,
For I have left my heart with you,
So don’t you ever cry.
The love that’s deep within me,
Shall reach you from the stars,
You’ll feel it from the heavens,
And it will heal the scars.
Author Unknown
Love you Diva. Praying for you because I know I don’t understand your pain but I am so sorry
Hi Jay,
I’m truly sorry to hear that your wonderful husband has passed. I know that there are no words that can comfort you now but I have prayed that the Holy Spirit will guide and comfort you so that you will feel God’s love that is always with you. I discovered your blog before you transitionned and your insightful words and honesty encouraged me to follow a similiar path. I’ll continue to pray for you, that you will, even with this loss to live a whole, joyful and peace filled life as your husband would want to to live.
So so sorry Jay, May his soul rest in peace. I’m really lost for words. But I pray the greatest Comforter will be your companion at this difficult moment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Lots of love
I’m sorry. I hope you have all the support you need from your family and friends. Let your faith carry you through.
I pray that find comfort in this very difficult time.
I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. I’m am incredibly sorry for your loss. I am praying for you.
I’m so sorry, Jay. My prayers are with you.
Everyday is a step closer to be able to function without him. Its hard but with God by our side we have confidence that there is no sorrow that Jesus can’t heal. Taking one moment at a time.
Jay, my heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. Over this time you have been a wonderful example of strength, devotion, and courage. You are an amazing woman, a rare jewel. You helped to fill the days of your husbands life with love and joy. I love you dearly sis and my prayers are for you during this difficult time.
Jay, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your circle in my prayers.
Oh my heart is so broken for you. I’m bawling like a baby and praying so hard for you. May God give you strength and peace that passeth all understanding. May you have a reason so smile from your heart again soon. Please send me your mailing address. I’d like to send you something. Rest in paradise to the absolute love of your life.
I’m so so sorry. There just aren’t words. I know it sounds cliche but Hang in there , try to take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. After losing my Mother, that’s all I could do. I know it’s hard to believe now but the pain will lessen and the love remains.
I remember you from LCHF. You have my condolences. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. God bless you.
Sending my most heartfelt and sincerest condolences…wish I was close by to give you a big hug…not that will make any difference. Truly sorry for your loss. Praying for you daily.
I am so so so so sorry sweetie. Words can not express what you have gone through and are going through. All I can say is he is finally at peace and no longer in pain. Someday you will be again too. My sincerest condolences and best wishes to you.
This one really crushed me. We’ve never met, and I’m devastated. So I can’t even imagine how you feel. I will continue to lift you up on prayer. Much love to you and your family.
I am sending my prayers and love to you my dear. I wish for you to mourn in the way you need to mourn and I know on the other side you will find that incredible inner strength to walk in your truth…much love to you and your family.
My heart goes out to you. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I pray for your strength during this difficult time. You are no doubt a warrior for sharing this with the world so openly and bravely. You mentioned that you do not know many women who are widowed before 40, maybe you can use your platform and voice to reach out to thousands who are out there and feel the same way. May your Husband rest in perfect and eternal peace. God be with you. Remember if you need to cry, just cry…if you need to smile just smile.. No one can tell you how to feel or think during this time, do what you need to do to heal and get through.
My deepest condolences to you. Reading this post almost brought me to tears, and I’m a 39 yo guy. I lost my mom to cancer a few years ago so everything resonated–even though not my spouse but we were extremely close. God bless you. Only God really knows our plan. I came here looking for info about porosity control but I think I was meant to see this and the poem. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I am truly very sorry for your loss. I also came to this site seeking info. It saddens me to learn that you have lost your husband, best friend and confidant. I had a family member who lost her husband at age 27 and she had 4 children under age 10. With God’s help and the help and support of a caring family she pulled through some extremely difficult times. You will too. Take one moment at a time! God is still with you. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I remember your post asking for prayers and only the other day i was thinking how he was doing. Then today to see this, i’m sad.
My prayers go up for your strength and to give you guidance through this tough time.
My condolences.
My deepest condolences to you and your family in the passing of your Husband. May God give you strength, mercy, guidance and comfort through this time.
Thank you so much.
Hi Jay,
You were on my mind and I decided to search for your blog. I also stopped by your Instagram page. Words cannot explain how sorry I am, Jay. May God give you the strength to go through all this. I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. If you haven’t seen it yet, look for the yellow butterfly.
TY Nerline. The yellow butterfly means so much to me.
Hey Hair friend,
I just found out about your loss and I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel but please know that I am praying for you, your family, and his family. I am praying that God keeps your mind and holds all of you close. God bless you and thank you for sharing some of your story with us, it helps people more than you know!!
Thank you so much.
My heart is heavy as I have read your story and I am praying for you. May your strength be restored through the memories and love that you and your husband shared for one another. May God lift you up in your weakness for you are strong in Him. Be blessed baby girl and hang in there.
Thank you so much!
May God comfort you dear, I trust that He who has chosen now as the right time to call your beloved to rest will give you the heart to bear the loss. I literarily cried through this post. I never knew you were going through this, I was wondering why you haven’t updated posts to your Instagram in a while and decided to check your blog only to see this. Be strong dear, God is with you and God bless you!
Hey J.R. – thank you girly.
Oh Jay….I have no words. One second at a time. One second at a time. Sending all my love to you.
Thank you, Ava. I truly appreciate it.
Very very sorry for you and the loss you are experiencing. Everything I was about to say was going to sound stupid and hollow. May God cover you in all moments when you need it the most.
TY so much.
Jay, I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope that in the passing months that you’ve found a way to heal. It sounds like you too had a amazing bond and I hope you’ve been able to find comfort in the 28 years of memories that you two were blessed to share with one another. You exude strength and I hope that that coupled with God’s covering is carrying you through. I pray that you found comfort over the holiday season and were surrounded by love. I wish you nothing but the best for the new year.
Hey Kim, thank you sis.
I pray for strength from high on above for you and your household… I don’t know what it’s like but I know he’s taking a deep rest as you’ve said… I also know it’s hard but I’m sure your dear husband would want you to go on… Accept help and start to bask in the good memories and things he left behind. There is more love than you can see right now. I wish you well as you move forward. God bless you Jay.
Thank you, sis. I truly appreciate your love.
Dear jay , your tips for growing my relaxed hair have help mea Lot , but reading to your blog I came a cross that you lost your best friend, I read all about him on you blog, i cloud feel your pain , but don’t get me wrong I know no one can compare to what you feel right know, it an take years to ease the pain, could be never , but let me share with you what the sacred words says in Revelation 21: 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away. Jae God promest us a good future, he never wanted us to die, but for answers to those questions you can go to JW.ORG , my most sincere condolences to you.
Hi Gladys, thank you. Oh yes, I am deep in the word and have a spiritual foundation. I know God will supply my needs. My hurt is not a hurt where I’m worrying about where my husband resides as I know he’s in heaven. It’s a hurt where my best friend is gone to heaven and I can no longer see, touch, feel, smell, share, etc.